September 6, 2019 - Managed to find some time to talk to Mckay this morning. Just ran some ideas by him. Told him I wanted to work in an orphanage. You know, work with the children, read to them, hang with them, maybe even send a donation of sorts. Mckay suggested I send an email to Mrs. Boutilier. Just in time for the first bell. Somehow, sending an email eluded me til after I got home. This capstone is something I really want to get ahead on so I got right on that email. Since I don’t know any orphanage personally, I asked Mrs. Boutilier if she had any contacts of orphanages in Hartford. Now I just have to wait for her response.

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September 10, 2019 - Still haven’t received an email back from Mrs. Boutilier. Starting to get nervous. Wonder what I can do on my own in the meantime. I don’t even know if this is a project I can work on. What if there is no orphanage that accepts high school students? Even if there were I can not reach out without Mckay or Boutilier backing me. 

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September 11, 2019 - Some good news! Mrs. Boutilier called me in during Advisory. Bad news. Turns out there aren’t anymore orphanages, today they are called foster care. I don’t know how different the two are but I’m less confident in my project now. However, Mrs. Boutilier did give me some places to contact: The Village for Families and Children, DCF, My Sister’s Place, and Connecticut Alliance of Foster and Adoptive Families. Still though, I’m kind of bummed that this project can’t be what I hoped it could be. 

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September 17, 2019 - I’m drafting the emails to send to each contact. I’ve had Mckay revise my email and I sent it to The Village and My Sister’s Place. My only worry is that neither place will get back to me. Or worse.  What if what I feared before, my project not even being possible, what if that happens? It’s been my hope for the past year to work in an orphanage with children, to give them a sense of home, to give them Thanksgiving, New Year’s, maybe even an older sister. But I guess I was thinking of another time; thinking of another era. There are no orphanages anymore. There are foster cares or centers for children and families, but that isn’t exactly what I’m looking for. Still, I really hope it’s possible to work with one of these centers.

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October 7, 2019 - Haven’t gotten anything back from The Village or My Sister’s Place. Not really bummed about it anymore. I’ve been thinking about changing my capstone recently anyways. Sent an email to Boutilier about wanting to change my capstone project to focus on the homeless. I really wanted to work with children in orphanages, or even the next best thing: foster care, so if that really isn’t an option I could always work with the homeless.

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October 10, 2019 - Talked to Boutilier this morning about my email. I told her I wanted to change my focus from children to helping the homeless. I, then, received contacts I could follow through with. The one that stood out at me was Sparrow Ministries at South Church in Hartford. It is just less than 10 minutes from where I live, they meet at a semi-convenient time, every Saturdays’ from 6-9 am. In fact they were meeting this upcoming Saturday, and there was room for me to sign up too. So once I got home, I signed up for the breakfast hosted on Saturday, October 12th as the coffee/juice server. My only concern is how I am going to walk up early enough to make it at 6 am.

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October 12, 2019 - I arrived at 5:50, just in time to meet the servers, get a run-down of what my position would be, and be able to start at 6. I believe that my position provided me with the most contact with the people that attended the breakfasts. I met face-to-face with all of them, handed them all coffees, greeted them a good morning, and held conversations with some of them. In the two days I’ve signed up, thought about making this a weekly thing (waking up at this time is hard for someone like me), and came in today, I’ve decided that this is what I want to do. It may be hard to wake up earlier than I do on school days, but today was definitely something I want to do again. I can’t wait until the next time I can come in and help serve breakfast.

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October 18, 2019 - The breakfast scheduled for tomorrow morning was all filled up so I have to get ahead of the next one. I managed to grab a capstone log sheet and I need to remember to bring it along with me from now on. My memory really sucks, it's a problem at this point.

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October 26, 2019 - It is incredibly hard to wake up so early. My bed is too comfortable for me to leave it. Why do we live in a world where we have to leave the warmth of our beds? But, regardless of my discomfort, I left the warmth of my bed and house and made my way to South End Church.  One person I haven’t talked about that’s been there the whole time is Doug, AKA Mr. Coffee Man as everyone calls him, my partner. He’s been serving coffee at these breakfasts for a lot longer than I have and it’s nice to see a familiar face in all this. 

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November 1, 2019 - It’s the first!! Kind of excited and nervous. There are some college applications due today. I found some time during first block to go up to Dionne and officially send in my applications for UConn and Roger Williams University.

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November 9, 2019 - I really hate waking up in the morning. God, the sun isn’t even out yet. I might really just roll over and go back to bed. I mean what’s holding me back? Ughhh, well I did sign up and Vicki and the others are expecting me. But I’m just one person, I’m sure Doug can handle the coffee on his own, he has been doing just that for a while now. Yes, but you still signed up so get out of bed. People are expecting you. You have to show up. Sometimes I hate my inner voice.

𐽗𐽗𐽗

I always dread walking in. It’s scary. It’s not the people, it’s me. I’m as awkward as they come. Do I say hello? Do I go straight to the coffee? Come on. You’ve done this before. This isn’t your first time. Why am I still as nervous as I was the first day? The best part of it all is you get straight to work. No need to wait around, there’s always someone who’d like some coffee.

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November 15, 2019 - I made a friend today. Well, really throughout this weekend. And I can tell this will be a great friendship. I really connect with her. I get her and she gets me.

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November 23, 2019 - This past month McKay and my first block class have been making plans to host a clothes drive at South End Church. And unlike any other morning, I was unusually driven to get up and make my way to breakfast. I got there a little earlier than my classmates because I had to be there for breakfast, serving coffee like usual. But today would be different. There will be people I know here. People I’m familiar with. People I’m comfortable with. Sadly I won’t be able to give out the clothes like my classmates, but I’d still be doing something I know. And I know how to serve coffee. Mckay came over at one point. Greeted me, Vicki, Richie. Made me realize something. These breakfasts are really much more enjoyable with people you know.

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November 25, 2019 - I lost a friend today. In just 10 short days, I’ve lost what could have been the best friend I ever made. And the blame is all mine. If only I could take back what I said. If only I could tell her- You know, something like this happened before. Years ago. Fifth grade. Malvina. My first and last best friend. I did the same thing all over again. I just lost this friend a lot sooner. But I haven’t changed. I haven’t changed at all.

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December 19, 2019 - I should be nervous. I should be freaking out. I should be having a meltdown. I should be sweating like a pig. I should, seriously, be losing my mind. But am I? No. Of course not. And that’s scarier than actually freaking out. It’s almost like I don’t care. And I do. I know I do. I have to care. It’s a midterm for crying out loud. And not just any midterm. It’s my calculus midterm. Math means everything with the career path I have in mind. But did I study. As much as usual. Which is very little. And here I am, walking into class, as if I have the whole curriculum at my disposal. I don’t know if this is confidence, arrogance, or complete shutdown. And there is no way it is confidence. Can’t be. I don’t know the lessons!! 

⎹⎹⎹

Well. I took the test. Left the class. Went on with my day. And it was finally the end of the day. I didn’t drive today so I had to take the bus. And there was something about that that just made floods of memory come to mind. All the years I’ve taken this bus. All the new bus drivers. All the changes. The new kids on it. The old who graduated. And now it was my turn. Well, it was about to be. Nostalgia. A sweet, painful reminder of the past. Memories as uneventful as a bus ride home can bring such fruitful pain. A much better pain compared to the pain of finding out what I got on the midterm. Insert shocked emoji here. I got a C+!! A C+.... It’s simple. I was dejected. I don’t know what I was expecting but I felt embarrassed. I asked a classmate what she got and it was considerably better than my score. But I don’t know what I’m shocked about. I didn’t put in the time to get the score I wanted. I didn’t put in the effort so everything I am feeling right now is well deserved. 

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January 11, 2020 - It’s the usual routine. 5:45 - Get out of bed. 5:55 - Leave for breakfast. 6:00 - Arrive at South End. Start serving coffee. 8:45 - Start cleaning up. 9:00 - Leave for home. But alas, today did not go as any other day would have gone. For one, there were familiar faces again. Mckay had scheduled his second clothes drive today. Oooh and I did not serve coffee with the usual Coffee Man, though I did miss him, I, instead, served with a young man, Jonathan Murphy. It was an interesting morning with Jonathan nonetheless. Why? Because John shared his story with me. Now I will not share detail for detail because it was quite the long tale, but I will share my thoughts. Jonathan was once just like everyone else who comes to these breakfasts. He was a man in need. And what’s truly inspiring about his story is that he turned his life around. He became the man behind the counter and not in front. He now preaches to others in need through his services. To think that I am a part of something like that, that I am someone who can share in his tales, is something else.

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February 1, 2020 - Yet another college application was due today and did I send it in? Of course not. This is me we’re talking about. But on a serious note: this can not go on like this. I need to find whatever motivates me and stick to it. Because regret is not something I want to live with.

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February 2, 2020 - You would not believe who I just bumped into. Go on, guess. Okay fine, I’ll just tell you. I, little-old-me, bumped into Vicki Silva. At Stop & Shop (okay so the location is not all that important, but still). Now I understand it was not the time and place to be talking about my capstone and my plans for it, but this was a once in a lifetime opportunity. I was not going to waste it. So we talked about the two breakfasts I would like to reserve for staff and students and I was proud of myself. When opportunity usually struck, I’d be the type to let it go. But not this time. Not when it meant too much.

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February 4, 2020 - So today I asked around if anyone would like to join me this Saturday at South End Church. Got a few friends interested so I signed up for myself and a few people. 

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February 5, 2020 - I’m growing, not physically, thank God. I’m a proud, little 5’0’’ child. But I, as a person, am changing. Still need to work on my work ethic. Sigh. < Little side note. I’m learning about who I really am. I’m learning about what kind of person I truly am. I’m the type of person that prefers to live in a fantasy; the type that prefers to live in my own head. But for the last few months I've been so grounded, so down-to-earth. I’ve been pulled back to reality. And the person I have to thank for pulling me back, I hurt. I hurt a friend. I forgot that with anything you do, anything you say, I forgot that everything has consequences. And the consequences of my words and my actions hurt someone very important to me. Today I realized even if I can’t ever fully take back what I said, I can still admit that that’s who I am. I have been so afraid to anger anyone, to get into trouble, that I learned how to lie efficiently. That is who I am. I am a fantasy.

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February 8, 2020 - Breakfast today was different. I didn’t go on my own like I usually have before. I was able to get two friends, Paola and Gloria, to join me. I’ve got to be honest, going to these breakfasts alone was kind of lonely. Sure I feel amazing when I get myself out of bed every Saturday to be part of my community, but when you surround yourself with people you know and you get those people to help serve your community, well, there’s just nothing like it. 

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February 10, 2020 - Do you know what it feels like to have someone you’ve considered a friend for years, someone who you believed you could trust, do you know how it feels to have someone like that betray you? You know what’s worse? Having them deny it to your face. But honestly, what can I say? I’m not really surprised. My God. I’m not surprised she did it. Maybe I never really trusted her…  

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February 14, 2020 - This has been one full and stressful week. There’s only so many times you can go through such tough emotions til it drains you. There’s only so many times you can be angry and hurt before you’ve had enough. And I hadn’t realized that until yoga. You have to let go. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Spiritually. Just let go of all the negative. Let go of all the hate. Let go of the people who hurt you. And move on. Move on with your life. You can’t change the past. So I am done. 

𛲠𛲠𛲠

I guess yoga wasn’t enough. I got home around 1:30 and before it hit 2, I knocked out. I don’t remember waking up until the next morning. 

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February 16, 2020 -  So I have a birthday party to get to tonight. Because of recent events I’ve cancelled, just yesterday, but this morning I woke up to another invite. I couldn’t say no. Not again. So I squashed any reserve I had and said “I’ll be there.” That’s when the nervousness set in. Oh, and let’s not forget anxiety. I am completely awkward around new people. What on earth was I thinking when I said yes? 

𐽗𐽙𑗘

The party ended up being rather fun. The beginning we won’t discuss. That I am devoted to expunge from my memory. But after the introductions and all, the evening turned itself around. Or maybe it was the food that made it such a good night? It’s nearly midnight. I’m exhausted. And just before I shut my eyes and dive into unconsciousness I remember what else today signified. My rough draft due date.

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February 24, 2020 - Have you ever thought of living in a virtual world? One much better than the real world? One in which you could take away your biggest regret? I’m a big fan of the t.v. show Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. and this past weekend I’ve finished watching the fourth season whose plot is centered around the Framework, a virtual world. That got me thinking. What kind of world would I imagine, what kind of life would I live, if I were to take away my biggest regret? I may just be young, there may be graver regrets I’ll have one day, but right now, in this moment in time, my biggest regret is breaking something that could have been the greatest thing in my life. I lied. And that lie will haunt me forever. I broke something that could have been great… and no matter how hard I try I can’t take it back… I can’t fix it.

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February 29, 2020 - Another day, another breakfast. Andddd guess who’s not alone? That’s right. Me. Why? Because I brought along Gloria and Paolita. Bringing along friends really does make the experience all the more special.

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March 13, 2020 - It was only this Monday that I decided to proceed with my plans of holding a bake sale. Yes, yes, I know. There’s procrastination… and then there’s me. But as of this moment, that is irrelevant. Suffice it to say, I highly doubt anyone predicted we wouldn’t be coming back to school this following Monday. Nevertheless, I tried my best selling as many goods as I could for my fundraiser. I made about fifty dollars. No where close to what I needed. But wait! There’s more! Not only was my senior breakfast cancelled, so was the staff breakfast. This day is just a tragedy.

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April 10, 2020 - Today seems like a good day to send in my UConn financial aid to Dionne to just make sure I have it all figured out. From what I gathered, with my financial aid I wouldn’t have to pay anything out-of-pocket. But, I still need to make sure. 

⎹⎹⎹

So, since spring break (and I have no idea why we’re having a spring break when we literally took two weeks off in March, but alright) is next week, Dionne will not be able to help out until the Monday after. That’s fine. There’s no rush. Especially in these times.

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April 13, 2020 - I miss school. It’s as simple as that. Never thought I’d see the day where I’d openly admit to missing school, but here we are. I want to go back. As much as Bout and Weimer and Dionne are trying I am just not ready for life yet. 

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April 21, 2020 - Emailed Dionne my UConn financial aid again today. Got back to me pretty quickly. Turns out I’d still have to find roughly $6,000 to pay every year but that’s not bad. Not bad at all. Sadly, UConn doesn’t have my major soooo…. I don’t know what to do.

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April 30, 2020 - I recently reached out to a friend who I hadn’t spoken to since the whole school shut down. Honestly, it was nice hearing from her and connecting with my old life again. Sadly, our conversation ended and we went on as before. It was nice, while it lasted.

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